Broken Labels

So it's been a little bit since i wrote :) I am happy to say that i am OFFICIALLY Mrs. Scharf !!! I know, i know! Exciting stuff! Yes i DID get a marriage licence & yes..........we are LEGAL. I wanted to discuss some of my thoughts, about after marriage today. Being a pretty intelligent YOUNG woman (i can't get over how young i feel no matter WHAT my age is!) I know that marriage isn't a "fix-all" by any means. The same things you struggled with before, you most likely will carry into the marriage. I was really kind of frightened by this. I want to be better, i want to grow & i want to be the best wife/mother/step-mother i can be! I struggle greatly with realizing it isn't just ME anymore. I have a helper! I have a husband to help me bear the weight of this sometimes crazy hamster wheel called life. I also have Someone bigger, God. I think God has been reminding me of this lately. During the wedding preparations, i forgot. So many questions, all directed at me, so many moving pieces & parts. I couldn't maintain my emotions, i snapped at people, i cried, i was incredibly stressed out! It caused me to lose my joy in the very event that should have been my most enjoyable day! I can't go back & change it, but i CAN learn from it. I can learn to PRAY 1st, ask my husband for help 2nd & breathe deeply 10xs before talking! I needed to step away from it all & gain my composure, but instead i took on more & more responsibility. It is OK to ask for help, especially from God. He probably was laughing at my insane ability to always try MY way 1st, & was simply watching & waiting for me to realize, it's HIS way anyway! Now i want to get to the part that probably most people wouldn't go into. Before i was right with God, obviously, i had 2 children. Yes i know, sex outside of marriage is wrong. Having multiple relationships sexually is even more wrong. Continuing down this road, when you know it's wrong, yea.........WRONG! I am not proud of my mistakes. I am not glorifying it in anyway, but i AM glad God brought me through it with some understanding for others. I allowed people to tell me some serious lies when it came to myself. I was told "no man wants a woman not a virgin anymore. no one will marry you since you have kids to another man. your stained & broken for life". Our church began a series this month called "Real Housewives of the Bible". In this series, we studied the "sinful woman". She was a prostitute (my 1st instinct was "well I'm not THAT bad!") that came to the house of religious leaders of her day to see Jesus. She came even though she knew she wouldn't be welcome. She received such a look of love & empathy she broke & began to cry. Her tears washed the feet of Jesus & she dried them with her hair, then poured perfume over His feet. As i listened to the story my heart cried out to God. Even though i have never sold my body for money, did i not sell myself for physical & emotional gratification?! I felt ashamed. How could i even begin to expect my daughter to look at my example & NOT follow it?! I allowed the lies that someone told me, to color what GOD told me. He tells us, if we repent, He is Faithful & will forgive us our sins. So long i have carried the labels of Broken, Single, Worthless, & Lost. I had a hard time letting an amazing person into my life because of it. I felt in some ways i deserved to feel this loneliness, the emptiness of being a single parent, far from her parents with no one to help. I felt like it didn't matter if i continued to sin, i had already been "soiled". Ladies, please listen to me. I can't pretend that i am somehow better off now myself then i was, but i am better off by Jesus's blood than i was! I CAN be clean again! I am washed by the Blood! How freeing it was to realize the chains of those labels don't match up to the Power of Jesus's sacrifice! This brings me to where i am going with this. My new husband & I had not been living with in the parameters of the Bible when we first met. I was on my way to living a more Spirit-filled life, but as we all know some habits die hard. We began a physical relationship after awhile, even though i was so shell shocked from previous relationships. I did attempt to keep it from going down that path, but i was doing it in MY own power, & i never once asked God for help. We began attending church together & my husband came to know God. We began meeting with counselor's because we were honsetly interested in marriage & becoming closer to God. They never treated us differently, never looked down on us in any way & i love that about my church home. They did however make it clear that a physical relationship before marriage was wrong. They were quick to clarify that that didn't make our ENTIRE relationship wrong, but it was an area we needed to get under God's will. We made the decision together that we needed to stop. We were able to do it, with God's help, but it WAS hard! I am soooooooo greatful we did now though! People tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper, but they are wrong. It is a covenant before God & people. The day we made that covenant was amazing! I no longer feel that touching my husband is sinful, or somehow wrong. I can enjoy our intimate moments & not have feelings of remorse or regret later. I can have JOY knowing this time, I can plan to have a child with someone i will spend my life with. I am thrilled i will have a helper, someone to help share parenting & no painful seperations from my child. I can not fix the pain of that for my older kids & it causes me heartache daily. I cry because the fruit of my actions are why they have fathers that are essentially not part of their lives. How gracious & amazing is it, however, that they can have the love of a father figure within their lives now?! THAT IS GOD'S LOVE! He CAN help. He WILL Help. All you have to do is follow His plans for you! How are you not following God's plans today?!! ASK HIM TO HELP :) I promise it will bring you so much MORE Joy than you could ever know!

Submitting to God's Will

So i have been doing alot......ALOT.......let me say it again ALOT of soul searching. I am far from perfect. THis i know. I tend to form opinions based on several different things (not just whims FYI) & once my mind is made up i am IMPOSSIBLE to convince otherwise. Well i was, till today! I wrote about the marriage liscence a little bit ago. I researched it exstensively, through blogs, articles, legal advice & leaders in churches (not just mine). Some said i was right in my quest to marry without one, while others said i was wrong & needed to procure one. I wrestled & wrestled with it. My convictions were based on sound principles & reasoning that a liscence was orignally created for something that was otherwise ILLEGAL. WHAT?!! Since when is marriage illegal?! & if it was, is that not against God's law?! He is the one that instituted the whole thing! Then i learned that it was 1st issued to slaves or "negro's" wanting to marry!!! That is racism in its finest & i am UTTERLY APPALLED at the fact somewher in our history we acted as though human beings were less than that. THat we treated them as property & gave them no basic right. I am glad i din't live then because undoubtly i would have been an integral part of the underground railroad & probably imprisoned or hanged! However thats my ADD kickin in so back on subject. These were great reasons not to get one, but here came the bomb. The wording in the liscence is that Husband & Wife are entering into a contract marriage not only with each other but the state. Um.......3 parties for 1 marriage.......= polygamy right? Well that cinched it. I was gonna make sure that i didn't obtain a liscence. Furthermore there were basic wordings in there that say the state has the right to any fruits of the union. Property, money, CHILDREN!!!!! My Mom instincts revved up on high alert & i was amazed at how NO ONE i knew could tell me they knew this! People sign these everyday & yet have NO IDEA what they are signing. So there it was. My decision. NO MARRIAGE LISCENCE. I shared my findings with my parents, my Fiancee' & my church leaders. My parents saw the logic, my Fiancee' said he understood (maybe he just didnt want to argue) & my church leaders basically said well......you're wrong. I spent alot of time reading & researching what OTHER people thought, felt, or prayed on but yet never ASKED GOD. The most important person to ask in EVERYTHING. My church leader said he didnt feel right marrying us without one. My Fiancee' argued saying if the church leader said it we gotta do it. I argued back how can you say that when YOU haven't researched it to form your own opinion?!! All you are doing is listening to someone elses opinions over me!!!! I prayed & asked God for His peace, for me to find understanding & direction. I again researched & looked up Biblical verses on marriage & authority as well as laws. Here is the culmination of my findings. Romans 13:1-3 says, "Everyone must submit to governing authorities. For all authority comes from God, and those in positions of authority have been placed there by God. So anyone who rebels against authority is rebelling against what God has instituted, and they will be punished. For the authorities do not strike fear in people who are doing right, but in those who are doing wrong. Would you like to live without fear of the authorities? Do what is right, and they will honor you." The last question screamed out at me. YES i thought, thats the problem i am afraid of the government & what they will do if i obtain this liscence! God says though if i do what is right, (aka lawful/legal) then i can live without fear. I still had mixed feelings about it though. I couldn't shake my opinion that i didn't FEEL good about it. Then i read this statement from the writer of the blog "There is no magic pill that can make you feel good about having to submit to authority—any authority.  But know when you make the conscious effort to do what God says, regardless of how it feels, you are planting a wonderful seed that will produce a harvest in your life. 
You can't expect a harvest of blessings from people who will respect and honor you, if you haven't first planted the seeds.  So as hard as it is, start planting!" WOW!!!! How did this person know to write that just for me? I'm sure he didn't but God used it as a way to open my eyes just a little more. I continued my search & read this Eph. 5:23-32
"For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of his body, the church; he gave his life to be her Savior. As the church submits to Christ, so you wives must submit to your husbands in everything." Even though Steve is not yet my husband, he is making the decision that he wants to be. So i have to take into account what he thinks & his decisions. If i want to be a Godly wife, does that start now or later? Well i can't be Godly if i don't submit to authority. The Bible is VERY clear on that."Therefore, it is necessary to submit to the authorities, not only because of possible punishment but also because of conscience. This is also why you pay taxes, for the authorities are God's servants, who give their full time to governing. Give everyone what you owe him: If you owe taxes, pay taxes; if revenue, then revenue; if respect, then respect; if honor, then honor. (NIV)"
I guess what i owe is one marriage liscence. I am counting on the fact of one simple verse to protect me & my family. Romans 8:31 "What shall we say about such wonderful things as these? If God is for us, who can ever be against us?" I want deep down to follow God's path. I make many many mistakes but this is one thing i don't wanna mess up. I want God to bless our marriage & i want us to be a stronger unit together than alone. If it takes me doing something i don't feel good about to do so then i am willing to follow my Church leaders advice & Steve's wishes on this matter. God tells us to follow those in authority over us & i feel that as part of the head of the church my leader is in a God ordained position of authority over my marriage. His thought are the State required a liscence as a legal represention of our marriage. He wouldn't preform our ceremony without one. Therefore i have to (well i dont HAVE TO but to follow God's will i must CHOOSE to)follow the State's law, My leaders advice & submit reguardless of my personal opinion. How many times does God ask us to do things we don't personally think are good? Alot. God DOES promise us though that if we are faithful & follow His ways He will take care of us. I have learned that even in my obstinate ways He loves me unconditionally & He never gives up trying to show us His love. Thank you God for shaping me & molding me. THank you for the gentle reminder that YOU are in control, not me, not Steve, not the church & not the state. YOU have final authority over it all. All i have to do is listen & follow you. I love you God. Please forgive my ignorance, my stubborness, & sometimes my ability to follow my feelings instead of youe Word. Please keep directing my feet so i can draw closer to you In Jesu's name i pray Amen.