When a dream crumbles........

So have you ever planned & planned something in your head so many times it becomes what you envision this event will be like as a fact? As a little gyrl all i could dream about was my "prince charming". He would sweep me off my feet like cinderella & i would have a beautiful dress, a gorgeous ring (& an AMAZING proposal story), all my friend & family would be there, our wedding would be story book material & it would say "& they lived happily ever after". My life has centered around this 1 day for as long as i can remember. When i was 17 this dream crashed & shattered in front of my eyes the day i learned i was pregnant. I thought i'll never get married now or if i do it wont be for true love. I was upset that i did this to myself & lost all hope for a long time. Later i began to have hope again, but wind up always seeing my dreams shatter before my eyes in a string of unseuccessful relationships, another child, family problems, lack of money & beginning to feed in to the lies Satan used others to tell me. I have had my own family memember say "no one will want you now that your no longer a virgin. What man wants a woman with 2 kids?" I bought into this lie hook line & sinker. I lost my dream & hope, i lost more importantly my FAITH IN GOD. About 2yrs ago i was on a mission. This mission was to NEVER put myself & my kids out there to risk hurt, pain, anger or a failed relationship again. I was determined to make it on my own, No man needed. A friend decided to ask me to dinner w/her & her boyrfriend.........who also brought a friend. I was not swept off my feet & my behavior was less than becoming that evening (some1 stole my coat & i got terribly angry at my friend). I felt terrible & apologized to this guy i just met & asked for a do-over. His name was Steve & he was a really nice, quiet, reserved guy. A "safe" person to start a friendship with (he wasn't my typical "bad boy" type). To my surprise i began to look forward to our talks, to enjoy his company immensly, & part of his charm was he was a true gentleman. He never forced attention upon me i didn't want, never tried to be physical, never got angry or raised his voice to me & opened my car doors! I fought my feelings for a long time because i bought into the lies i allowed Satan to tell me. Finally i gave in & let him in. He has become a constant source of unconditional love & happiness. God gave me exactly what i NEEDED in a man. Now here we are planning our wedding day :) I am thrilled! My dreams are going to be fullfilled! So there i go dreaming once again about my cinderella dress, my ball, my glass slippers, my ring. I got lost in the dream of perfection once again. I have put alot of energy into picking the perfect place, finding the perfect dress (for a price i could afford!), getting the perfect invitations, having every1 i wanted there, finding the perfect bridesmaids dresses ect. Never once did i PRAY ABOUT IT! Never did i seek God's will & plan. I booked a place that cost ALOT of money. I signed a contract. It now looks as if somehow, the amount of money i thought was being paid into it wasn't correct. I can't see how other than a miracle that my wedding reception will occur. My dress i ordered came & it is PERFECT! The veil matched it perfectly & was gorgeous! Well..........it was till my cat ate holes in it! I picked friends to be in my wedding party & some of them have't gotten their dresses ir tuxes, it seems everytime i turn around theres another mountain to climb! Another hidden expense.I haven't even gotten properly proposed to, or a proper ring! I gave in to the fear, the doubt, the pressure, the stress & YES selfishness today. I cried & cried over not having MY PERFECT DAY. At the end of the day, i am smacked in the face bu the complete obvious. IT ISN'T MY DAY! It's a day to come before GOD to join with my best friend, my future husband. It should be a day about GOD taking 2 ppl who were so lost & leading them to each other! A day of celebrating God's Grace & Love for us that was so great He allowed us, even after failing to follow HIS plan for our lives, to STILL BE USED BY HIM! He has given me my heart's desire in a man. Someone who will love me no matter what dress i wear, who will stay with me whether i have a ring or not, who works himself to death to provide for my kids, his child & i no matter how he feels that day, aperson who i can run to when life hurts & know his arms will hold me while i cry my selfish bitter tears. WHAT MORE CAN I ASK FOR?! Why did i think it wasn't enough? Thank you Lord, for helping me realize, no matter what comes i am gaining a wonderful husband & father figure for my kids.When i say "I do" i am getting the best thing out of the whole day. Help me Lord to place my faith & trust in YOU, not in what can I GET DONE. I am laying this wedding at your feet, O Lord, do with it what YOU will. Let our ceremony give YOU glory not ourselves. I want what we do to glorify YOUR name, not what ball room we have, or how pretty my veil is. I love you God & i thank you & praise your name for bringing me to my knees today, for teaching me that my focus need's to be on YOU & then my HUSBAND, not myself. In Jesus's name Amen.