Love

Do you ever feel so overwhelmed by emotion that it feels like your very skin will burst right of the bones of your skeleton? I do.......i get what i & my Fiancee' call "urges". Sometimes they are in a very exuberant loving manner, to the point i overwhelm the person i am "loving up". Sometimes however i have these impulses that are completely mischievous or plain ignorant. I won't focus on those but i do have them & it's a struggle to keep myself from acting on them at times! The ones i am feeling this morning however, are loving ones. I feel so full of love for my family i just want to impulsively buy them lavish gifts, squish hug em till they turn purple, or call them at this ungodly hour & just say I LOVE YOU loudly! I DID stop at McDonald's at 4:30am & buy my kids sausage mcgriddles for breakfast that are sitting on the counter cold right now seeing My daughter's not getting up till 6am & my son probably 8am. <sigh> i guess patience IS a virtue! Have you ever contemplated the different variations of love? I have in my mind compartments in my <3 & mind. I have a special place full of motherly love & instincts for my kids. I have a HUGE spot in my life all the way around for God (even though i tend to forget to communicate with Him as often as i want to!) I feel a deep love & faith connected to my very core for all things Spiritual. Even at my worst point in life, i NEVER thought there wasn't a God. It's been something that i feel has always been in the center of my soul, like an Spiritual umbilical cord, connecting me to my Heavenly Father. Even when my life was in chaos i trusted He would never let me fall so far i couldn't get back up with His help. I then have a place for people i have invested my time & energy in. I am incapable of letting go completely of old friends,& ex boyfriends or so it seems. My Fiancee' says i am a "people hoarder"! I feel like why shouldn't you continue to care about such people, when you at one time cared for them a great deal more?! I don't understand how if your friendship or relationship didn't end on a bad note, why most people have a difficult time still being in the persons life, at least a small amount. I have come to the conclusion i am just somewhat of an anomaly when it comes to this type of thinking. I also have come to realize you have to place a priority on this thinking as well. If the person you are currently involved in a relationship with is threatened by this, then you have to take clear & established steps forward so they know THEY are the more important person in your life. That brings me to my "Steve" box. God is 1st, & then there's Steve's box. His box fits perfectly w/me inside of God's box. It's kind of like those nesting end tables that they have in furniture stores. God's the top one, then Steve & i fit perfectly into both.There are times i am fiercely consumed with so much emotion all i can do is hug Steve & make some sort of primitive growling sound. The good thing is i feel like he understands that about me. He laughs often at my "urges". He just shakes his head & say "i love you". I wonder if God does that too :) I hope He gets enjoyment out of His creation in me :) Anyhow somewhere in all these compartments & boxes is another BIG box for family. ALL of them! I am adopted but i love each & every one of my biological & adopted family members. I can't begin to tell you how many there seem to be (maybe one day I'll count)but i tell you what, God must have known i was a people hoarder so He gave me so much family i didn't feel like i needed to hoard any more! LOL.......He has blessed me richly with a lot of love. I wouldn't be me with out either family! I sometimes think each side has trouble understanding, that with out the other one, i wouldn't be who i am! I understand there's a lot of raw emotion for everyone involved, but i don't get why each feel the need to question their place in my life. I get the feeling each time i talk to one side or the other that they are weighing out if so & so is better or worse than me. In the end my love is not based on who gave me life, who gave me food, who gave me clothes, who gave me my thick hair. My love is based on simply who they are to ME & family by blood or adoption is who that is! I needed one sides blood, gene's, troubles, looks & love to be given that life so that i could have the love, respect, family life & foundation of the other! Did i mention my parents & mother will be at my wedding?How AWESOME is that?! idk if my father will be there (hoping but then again he is a little unpredictable) but if he was how AWESOME would it be? I can look in each of their faces at the SAME EXACT TIME & say.........i am her in this very moment because of you.........all of YOU! Without any one of you.........there would be no moment. No me. Thank you! :) THAT IS THE EPITOME OF LOVE..........Thank you Lord for allowing me to be me. Even if sometimes my unique qualities have made me feel less than others & extremely awkward at times. I am growing to see that my uniqueness is a blessing, as i am able to see the world FULL of colors & not only dullness. Thank you for the qualities i have to love & care for others, even in circumstances less than best Lord. Use me, Father, because i know i am this way for a reason. Show me why Lord, & let me be used of you. In Jesus name AMEN